The haunting dreams

I think my mama visited me in a dream

After a hard day of emotions centered on the scars she left, the damage I'm still recovering from, and talking my sister's ear off, i feel asleep exhausted.
...

I was in a white kitchen I've never seen before, messing with something in the cabinets and talking on the phone.

Nic was upstairs.

Someone was trying to schedule me for an appointment on Monday at 9am.

I hesitated, needing to see if I could figure out Nic situation for that morning.

My mother's voice chimed in from the backyard, chipper as a songbird, "oh I'll handle it sweetie! I'll make him a bagel!" 

My first thought was, that's an awful lot of excitement over toasting a bagel...well...bagels are pretty fucking delicious.... I responded to whomever i was on the phone with that i could make Monday work, my mom would handle seeing Nic off for the day And ended the call....my mom...my mom has been dead for 7 years...

I hesitantly walked out of the kitchen through the back room toward the backyard.

Through the open sliding glass door, (Why is it open) i could hear windchimes and something like a television show, small children playing...
Maybe the neighbors are watching home movies...?
Then i heard my mother's laugh...gleeful and childlike, i ran toward it.

She sat primly in a black hooded gown in something resembling an antique car, but sparkling new...with a television screen where the wind shield should be.

Her hair long and silver, like she'd always wanted, like I'd always imagined it would be if she'd had the chance to grow old.

My approach slowed, and as i drew near her an odd moment of realization took place. An understanding of the situation, without explanation.
She had finally, after 7 years, figured out how to manifest her form to come visit me. She was watching her life...her mistakes...every one of them...and she had to keep watching until she learned whatever lesson was there...this was some kind of purgatory that the church claimed to NOT exist...before she could move on to whatever came next.

Her skin tone was more ashen than at her funeral, and there was something indeed corpse like in her appearance...which seemed appropriate.

Her bright blue eyes were more vivid than in my strongest memory, they sparkled with her smile, but held such sadness.

"How long do you have to do this for, mama? What is it, i can't see?" The screen was just static.

"It's not for you dear."

"I'll do this until it's done, time is an irrelevant thing here."

Oh...i guess that makes sense.

"It's not that bad, i get breaks, and days off. And I can watch all of you kids too.
Like right now i get to stop by for a visit."

I sat next to her on the bench seat ofc this of jalopy, and we held hands on my lap. She beamed.

"Does everyone have to do this, mama?" I sounded younger

"Yes, everyone...with few exceptions...children of course...and saints. Some of those who die in a rather heroic fashion, but not the way you'd usually think." 

I felt shame even at the thought of having to watch and re-live my every mistake, see every stumble, and how i hurt people all over again.

How long will I have to do this for, mama?

Oh...when you get here...it'll take you about twenty years...

"Twenty years?" God, there have been so many mistakes.

"Yes, unless you change the plan...But time is irrelevant here, sweetie, what's twenty years compared with eternity.

I had so many questions I wanted to ask her, but could feel or time together was brief.

And will i get to see you again when I finish?

She raised a hand to my cheek and wiped away a freshly fallen tear.

Oh honey, by the time your life has ended and you've finished yours...I'll still be here. 

And there was such sorrow and sadness and grief.

She was apologizing for every hurt. 

It was gone in a flash, i woke up and had to catch my breath. And prayed for God to let me remember this when i woke up.