mourning week

Today marks a new chapter, and I find myself sick about it.
The past week has been the Mourning week, the period of time between the anniversary of my Mother's death and her birthday.
For a week now I've been paying special attention to myself, my grief, my life, what I want, why I hide...

As time moves steadily on  (at it's own torturous pace, this life without her it's own torturous place), I sadly forget things I once knew.
the smell of her hair, her favorite shampoo.
the name of the song we sang in the car, on a day long ago, but not so far.

I knew, when we lost her, my life would never be the same, it's constantly evolving, as am I and sometimes it's a shame.
A crying shame to forget her, to try to remember all that she was, a complete person now gone, and details blur together, as I try to remember.
It's a special kind of Hell when things so familiar can't be brought to mind, things you never thought you would forget.
who was her favorite poet?
the books that lined the shelf, for as long as I can remember,
for as long as I've been myself
now packed away or long forgotten
a library of memory

I say a new chapter, the old story no longer fits
I was once someone's daughter
I am no longer
an identity lost and never to be found again,
time to begin again
The thoughts of her have faded from the everyday,
a new kind of pain, forgetting to remember
along with the memories we forget
 I call my sister for a recipe I used to know by heart
all those times I watched her in the kitchen
the details forgot
what is next?
the steel gray/blue of her eyes,
the way she tucked her hair behind her ear
the long flowy skirts and dresses
all of the "no"s, all of the "yes"s?
that argument from when I was thirteen and called her by her given name
that slightly protruding collarbone I could stand and rest my head against
the sound of her voice is all but gone
coming only in snipets of dreams
wafting between memory and feeling, but not a real sound


what's next on the list of things I'll forget
how can i not remember every detail?
at something this important, how is it I can fail?

this new chapter is remembering her, not trying to forget the pain
no matter what happens I will never be the same